I was busy surfing the internet and came across in StumbleUpon and decided to share with you all.
Leave me some comments, please 🙂
I was busy surfing the internet and came across in StumbleUpon and decided to share with you all.
Leave me some comments, please 🙂
By Martha Beck:
O, The Oprah Magazine | From the September 2007 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
We’d been waiting 30 minutes for someone to take our order in a busy Mexican restaurant when my friend Cathy decided to take extreme measures. “Watch this,” she whispered. Then she tugged the clip from her hair, opened a collar button, and tossed her head like a frolicking foal. Almost magically, she went from being simply beautiful to what is referred to in the vernacular as “like, totally hot.” Three waiters rushed our table like linebackers. Cathy fluttered her lashes at one, cooing, “Hon, could we order now?” It was a virtuoso performance of attraction in action.
For me, this was like watching documentary footage about something (“Mating Behavior Among Bipedal Primates of the American Southwest”) that I’ve never personally experienced. It’s not that I totally lack skills like Cathy’s. She can toss her head and attract men; I can—to cite just one example—toss fried chicken and attract cats. But I could never use feminine wiles the way Cathy can. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a single wile. I used to enjoy pitying myself for this, until one day I realized that everyone for whom I’ve felt genuine sexual interest eventually expressed reciprocal interest in me. While shortchanging me compared with Cathy, Mother Nature still provided me with the instinctive ability to make the connections I really wanted. Now, if you have Gisele Bündchen problems (your Manolo Blahniks keep skidding in puddles of drool left by lustful admirers), please turn directly to an underwear ad and enjoy the company of other genetically blessed people like you. This column contains instructions on seduction for the rest of us.
Flirtation 101: What to do if it doesn’t come naturally
Scientists tell us that females of all cultures make sexual connections through sequences of specific flirting behaviors. The ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt captured this on film some 30 years ago, with a camera that appeared to point in one direction while actually shooting in another. He found that women of all languages, classes, and religious backgrounds attracted men through the same gestures. This was further documented by psychologists who spent months scientifically lurking around in lounges, watching couples hook up. As Psychology Today‘s contributor Joann Ellison Rodgers described the flirtation ritual: “Women smiled, gazed, swayed, giggled, licked their lips and aided and abetted by the wearing of high heels; they swayed their backs, forcing their buttocks to tilt out and up and their chests to thrust forward.”
In researching this article, I recently tried enacting these behaviors in a local Starbucks. Sure enough, I attracted immediate male attention: An elderly gentleman asked me if I needed medical help. The answer was yes. I think I ruptured something. The bottom line (pardon the pun) is that buttock tilting and back swaying come about as naturally to me as spaceflight. Though flirting is supposedly wired into our brains, my brain appears to have shorted out in regard to giggling and licking my lips. And yet even I have stumbled upon a set of seductive behaviors that work surprisingly well for me. If you share my chronic back spasms and total lack of sexual self-confidence, you too might find them useful.
Step 1: Identify a specific person with whom you really, truly want to have sex
After our waiter spilled all over himself serving Cathy her enchiladas, I asked her what it felt like to exercise such awesome sexual control.
“It’s not that great,” she said with a sigh. “In fact, it can get lonely. You have to learn to get past casual sex and create lasting relationships, and that isn’t easy.”
I stared at her. She might as well have asked me how you get past calculus to create a mud pie. I associate the word casual with khaki pants, not carnal pants. Why? Because for some reason, I just can’t help indulging in forethought before getting to foreplay.
This isn’t true for most people: Sexual signals usually zip right past the rational brain, because as Rodgers puts it, if two people “immediately considered all the possible risks and vulnerabilities they might face if they mated or had children, they’d run screaming from the room.” Now, that I can understand. To actually have sex, I must be not only in love but also in full legal possession of the other party’s medical records. The advantage of this approach is that what you miss in casual thrills, you gain in long-term compatibility. That initial spark of interest leads not to the nearest motel room but to the prolonged scrutiny you would give an unrecognizable substance before deciding to include it in a cake.
If you consistently wake up next to people you no longer respect, try doing deliberately what I do involuntarily: Hold in your mind a vivid picture of a genital wart. (The Internet provides plenty, and I am here to tell you, they’re the opposite of pornographic.) Superimpose this image over the dashing smile of that cute guy at the bar. This should give you pause—a pause you can use to investigate whether the dashing smile is backed up by kindness, humor, honesty, and other qualities you probably want in a mate.
If you do this, you’re on the verge of discovering something amazing: Simple, sustained attention can be more powerfully seductive than all the eyelash-fluttering, tongue-flicking, back-swaying displays that make men want to fondle the likes of Cathy and prescribe seizure medication for the likes of me.
Step 2: Lust for the other person’s subjective experience
Here is the secret of sexual success for the confidence impaired: While people will decide to have casual sex with you based on how you look, they’ll decide to have meaningful sex with you based on how you see. The reason I’ve managed to make the connections I desired is that I’m fascinated by people’s stories. Beneath the small-talk surface, every life is a fascinating novel, so I always follow the suggestion from Proverbs 4:7, “With all thy getting get understanding.” This directive means to stand under, in the relatively lowly position of student, and let whomever we’re trying to occupy the high ground of teacher. And—this is key—the body language we use to do this overlaps significantly with the biology of flirting.
Anthropologist David Givens, the author of the book Love Signals: A Practical Field Guide to the Body Language of Courtship, says that a crucial sexual-attraction message is “I am harmless.” We communicate this with “submissive displays,” such as turning our hands palm up, tilting our heads, exposing our vulnerable necks. A tilted-head half-shrug is typical of sexually attracted people having their first conversation. It’s also a posture you’ll unconsciously assume when you’re trying to understand another person’s experience. I suspect this is a major reason so many clients fall in love with their therapists: The counselor who tilts her head while gazing quizzically at a patient, trying to see into his soul, may unwittingly be signaling that she’d also like to see into his pants.
Throughout my adolescence, I had terrifying encounters with innocent, well-meaning boys who interpreted my intense curiosity as sexual interest. A handful told me in so many words that, despite my obvious flaws, they had decided to accept me as a mate. In this way, I learned that detached, genuine interest in another person’s inner experience is, if anything, more seductive than the hair flips I will never master. This realization was almost worth the time I spent hiding behind trees and under staircases to avoid those poor misguided fellows.
Step 3: Get a Life
Speaking of watching people, reality television provides an interesting barometer to indicate which behaviors humans find most fascinating. Some programs, like The Bachelor, have no real point except to show gorgeous individuals attracting or rejecting one another. Personally, I find them marginally less interesting than having my teeth cleaned. I favor reality shows in which people do things that require skill, talent, or daring: crab fishing, singing, clothing design, Latin dance. The popularity of these shows suggests I’m not the only person tuning in. Generally, the harder the participants have to work, the more interesting the process.
Even when cameras aren’t rolling, people love to watch others work hard, learn skills, and take risks. Remember the old Peanuts cartoons in which Lucy mooned endlessly over Schroeder, whose only interest was the piano? That stereotype is based in truth: People who are mastering something that fascinates them become fascinating to others. If you want to capture people’s attention, put your own attention on something that has nothing to do with them: oil painting, cooking, wildlife rescue. The more you get lost in what you’re doing, the more interesting you’ll become.
Best Practices: The one-two-three punch combination
If you use the three steps above in quick succession, you’ll become an attention magnet. It’s like a trick move in martial arts: Target your person of interest, focus entirely on them, then abruptly divert your attention. Pow, pow, pow!
These steps allow any flirtatiously challenged person to bypass the whole complicated, alarming world of sexual tension and attraction among normal people. You can do the dance of seduction without even meaning to—simply by letting yourself be openly drawn to people, their stories, and your own deepest fascinations.
the subject that i will touch this time will be considered sensitive to some or too painful to be discussed or perhaps might be considered as a condemn to some women. but the truth must be told and shared. in fact with the increasing no of women in this world and less man, this could be the reason some women would not mind to share or even have an affair with a married man.
if you find yourself under such a situation, then you know exactly what i mean and i know exactly how you feel coz i’ve been through this painful journey. i shall never forget and will never try to forget. your family members, your friends, your colleague, they were all in unison advising you to leave him, forget about him. instead of listening to them, we continued to fight for the love that could never belong to us. in the end we hurt ourselves.
how best can we advise women out there who are still living in this disillusion relationship?
don’t get involve, get out, run as fast as you can, run as far as you can, run in the opposite direction, cut off the communication, change your phone no, change your home address if you possibly can….yes, we can’t deny having an affair with a married man is tempting, it’s a challenge, but it’s not worth a bit of our life, so, so not worth it. believe me…..been there, done that and i have no more tears to cry my hearts out….it’s not an easy experience to endure…..
however, to those who think that you can handle the situation with a promise not to break up his family, think again, think hard, coz this will change over time when suddenly you realize, he’s on your mind every morning, every night and all the times in between, you can’t wait to see him, to feel him, to touch him, to be close to him, to be with him all the times, even worse when what you want most is for him to feel the same which you know he probably doesn’t, even if he claims to really care. but of course caring is not enough, you want him to love you so much till it hurts. but then it’s too late to turn back and run.
so ladies, there are some things which you should consider before you start being stamped as a “home wrecker”.
restrictions in public places: you can’t be seen in public places together, you can’t hold hands in public, you can’t hug him in public, you can’t show your intimacies in public, you can’t visit him often in the office, and you may never meet his family and the people that are important to him. all the times you may have to be discreet and tip toed around certain people, ducking and diving to avoid his family, friends and working colleague!
restrictions in time: you can’t call him freely or at anytime you want to, you will always have to wait for him to call you when he could find the time away from his family or his friends, your relationship has to be built around his free time and you can’t just show up at his house.
sacrifices: he’s already a dating partner to his wife, so how can you be sure he can give his whole heart to you, you cannot have him all for yourself, and you know that much, though it takes you to an extraordinary length to pursue this kind of love, you will still encounter lots of pains along the way.
a pointless end: survey shows that men who are contemplating to divorce his wife, in the end will not do it, even if he gives you the sky and the moon as a promise that he’ll be with you, why stay? you think he would sacrifice anything for you, but, hey! life is not a romantic novel. there is no end to the relationship; you’ll get hurt deeper instead.
condemnable titles: even if he did divorce his wife, could you live comfortably with the guilt that he left them for you? what if people you know found out about it and shun you from their list and label you as a home wrecker or worse as a slut? can you live with the title, even if he’s the one that initiated the relationship? it doesn’t matter how unhappy he says he is, because in everyone’s eyes, you are still a mistress and a home wrecker? can you risk losing other people’s respect?
curiosity: how sure are you that you are the only one? if he can cheat on his wife the one he married, the one who made the truthful vows to his wife, what makes you be so sure he will be faithful to you? you will always want to know more about him, where he goes for holiday with his family, comparing present he bought for his wife, etc, etc, etc….
holiday seasons: are you prepared to spend major festive holidays on your own while he is with his family, exchanging gifts among them, thinking of them having romantic holidays, sharing romantic meals together? you will always be the last in line. this will genuinely break your heart, yet you know that you have no reason to feel like that.
who’s the winner: you or the wife? oh yes, as a mistress you gets the sexual pleasure, there’s no need to do some of the things the wife must do i.e. washing, ironing, cleaning up, etc, coz you believe it’s only a part time which is better than not anytime. you as a part time lover ask this to yourself, is this fair to you? question is “who is the true winner in this situation?” it’s the men, they has the best of both worlds and only has commitment to one. he has no intention of ever letting his wife knows about his other woman and he always wants the other woman to think he is misunderstood by his wife.
guilt: there are many people involve, not only between you and him but his wife and his children. you will always feel guilty if he ever leaves his wife and children for you. when you are playing with heart you are playing with lives and such is a very sensitive matters.
i know it’s not easy to break the relationship. you feel weak, you think you can just walk away and say goodbye but the thought of never be with him is horrible. be strong and fight this attraction even if you have to pretend in front of him that you are over him, do it, best not to treat him as your friend, eventually it will get easier, no doubt the scar will always be printed on your heart, you will never forget, but the pain will be lesser and by then you will find a man who is free to love you because you special ladies deserve to be pampered and loved by the right man.